Sundays and So-so Writers

Like Ophelia Dimalanta's feelings about Mondays, I have the same lingering feelings about Sundays.

Today is the last Sunday of the first month of the mystical year, one ending in 7 with all its connotations, its promises for a happy future, and its hold on all of us exiles in this land of the exiled.

It is late afternoon here, and the thick gray clouds create an overcast on the Waikiki waters, the spray starting two hours ago dampening the spirit of the promenaders on Ala Moana Road.

I remember the healing stones enshrined near the police station, the stones the giver of healing energies to the Tahitian healers who came by these islands long time ago but the memory is afresh.

I would not have known this shrine and its energies were it not for the healer Virgilio Apostol, an Ilokano American born in Los Angeles but has since taken on a path less travelled, following Gregory Speck and all those wise men and women and healers and magi and mystics who were so at home in their wayfaring aloneness, in their empowering solitude, in their attunement to the power of the universe to make us whole.

The Waikiki area is a mystery to me, and I do not go there.

There is that feeling of being lost, of being alone, of being disoriented that overwhelm me whenever I go there and I do not stay long enough to warm my feet with the warm sand and warm sea and warm surf. Last December, I tried to come to terms with that writerly feeling, and notebook and a good book in tow, I tried savoring my solitude amidst the crowd, gay and joyful, the children shrieking as if tickled by the salty wind tickling the blades of fronds, those luxuriant coconut tree leaves that jut out of castrated, flowerless, tall, and proud trees of the same name. Yes, in Waikiki as in all of Hawai`is public places, coconut trees are not permitted to become real coconut trees, their flowers nipped as soon as they jut out of their stalks.

The first time I came to Hawai`i many years ago, I had observed this, and curious of the kind of arboreal abortion that seemed to be common among all those tall, proud, and even phallic trees on the Alawai River, I asked my sister that one final question about the ontology of coconut trees: How come that they do not bear fruits?

My sister, a resident of the place for more than two decades, looked at me quizzically, unable to fathom perhaps why an elder brother like me, with a sufficient university education, cannot understand that in the interest of tourists who come to this place to splurge with their surging desire to make it here on an R & R and make that experience as some kind of a trophy for surviving a menial, 9-5 routine in the Mainland, those trees have to be rendered capon.

They sway with the wind still, the trees. And they retained the grace in their delicate dancing with the wind. But now, those rites of dancing for fecundity and fruitfulness have now rites to non-being, to the negation of their being coconut-bearing coconut trees.

I looked at my sister while she expertly navigated the three-lane Alawai Road that follows the contour of the Alawai River with its fresh water fish and green grasses on its banks. I looked at her quizzically as well, mentally telling her that I do not understand why the being and becoming of coconut trees have to be denied of coconut trees. I could not say that in words, subtly phrased or brutally expressed. I could be suspected of going bonkers.

I think about this experience now, and I think about the role of writers on Sundays, on days when we need to sit down and look at the blank screen and think of something meaningful to write, something relevant, something ennobling.

Unlike the castrated coconut trees, a writer cannot afford to offer himself or herself in this ritual sacrifice for and on behalf of tourists, even if these tourists are bringing in the cash. For a writer's role is to write and write well, write with urgency and seriousness, write with dignity and self-respect, write with freedom but with responsibility.

For a writer cannot be a despot with language--he simply cannot.

For the very act of writing, while it commences with a private solitary act in that sacred private moment when the writer catches the word to create a world, the fact that language can never be his private property renders his or her very act a public one, finally.

For a writer shares language with others, and as such, he or she has the duty to respect the collective character and integrity of that language that mediates his or her understanding of the people, of the world, of the universe.

It is in this light that no writer is ever given the right to tinker with language at will, subverting it without at the same time acknowledging his social and public responsibility. The talent of the writer is used in the search for the creative means through which the mediation of significant because ennobling human experience is made possible by language.

So on this Sunday, I tinker with language, coax it, and pray that I will make it through this moment of not being able to seize the sanctity of this late hour that the quietude in the campus proclaims.

Sundays are meant for prayers, and in my writing this, I hope I have done my prayers.


A Solver Agcaoili
UH Manoa
Jan 29/07

Malmalanga

Saan a kas karina ti mabassawangan, nangnangruna no mabalin a madokumento ti pannakailusaklusak ti kinaasinno.

Ngem iti ungto ti linia, iti ungto a tapno magtengmo ket agdaliasatka kadagiti apres ken allon ken buteng ken adu a susmariakusip gapu iti mangliwengliweng a baybay Pasifiko ken gapu iti allawig dagiti rabii ken aldaw a nagbabaetan, matimudmo ti maysa paggaak, maysa a nasarangsang a panagkatawa ti agtutubo a rikna numan pay bangolanen ti am-ammom nga agpagpaggaak a nalabit ket agkutkutimermer gapu iti lamiis iti siudad a nakabirokanna iti Daga a Kaikarianna.

Addaan biag ti paggaak--ken awanan panaginkukuna. Daytay paggaak a makaammo a ti henesis ti ragsak ket ti apokalipsisna met laeng, ket iti panagsirkulo ti henesis ken apokalipsis, maipasngay dagiti adu pay a paggaak, adu pay a ragsak--ken adu pay a pagladladingitan maipapan iti amin-amin: iti biag, iti lagip, iti daga a nakayanakan, iti legguahe a kasingin ti dila ken panunot ken balay met laeng ti kararua. Ken iti met laeng panagsuratan, iti literatura, iti panagdaniw ti nakem, ti kinatao.

Nasariwawek ti utak ti agpagpaggaak--ken dagiti tallo pay a nakasao iti napalabas.

Ngem daytoy agdama a kasasao ita ti sarsaritaek.

Dika man, kunak. Aginkukunanaka, imprangkak. Nasursurokon ti diretso a pannakisao iti daytoy mararaem a mannurat. Nabayagen a pinanday ti wagas ti ballasiw-taaw, ti wagas ti puraw ken arimpurawen nga isip ket nairuamen iti kasta a panagisawsawang.

Tell me honestly, kunak. Katkatawaak, kasla mangirurumen a panangkatkatawa iti leon a nasugatan, iti tigre nga agpaspasanaang iti suli.

Adda panangdarup iti bosesko, kasla maysa met a sadista nga agbirbirok iti masokista. You have been bruised, wounded, sick in the soul. Sickened by all these.

Adda apagapaman nga ulimek iti ungto ti linia.

Nagurayak, ket ti kanito ket nagbalin a siglo.

Saan unay a nakauni, numan pay paggaammom a padam met laeng a nalaing a sumao--iti wagas a nataktakneng ngem iti wagasmo.

Adda liday iti katawam, sika.

Manong, saanko a kuna. Mano a ramaymo ken ramay pay ti sabali ken sabali manen a ramay ti adda iti baet dagiti tawenmi, dakami a dua?

Agalumiimak idi a mangawag kenkuana iti naganna--kas iti panagalumiimko kadagiti amin nga ipagpanpannakkelko a mannurat. Iti sango dagiti nalalaing, narigaten ti aginlalaing. Kuidawka. Iti bibig a mabanniitan ti lames.

Ngem impapilitna piman nga awagak isuna babaen iti naganna. Ta dina siguro kayat a maamuan ti kaaduan a maysa isuna a teddek ti panagsuratan idi dekada 60?

Ta kastan ti nakairuamannan a kadawyan ditoy lumaud? Nalabit.

Agamakak idi un-unana.

No dina man ammo dayta a dayaw nga it-ited ti pakasaritaan ti Literatura Ilokana kenkuana--saan nga it-ited ti maysa-dua tao no di ket ti enerhia, puersa, ken bileg mismo ti kolektibo a lagip ti komunidad ken gimong dagiti nanakman nga agbasbasa, ibagak ita: maysa daytoy a hushusto nga estimasion. Estudianteak iti pakasaritaan--ket maysaak met nga adalan ti historia ti panagsuratan iti Ilokano. Ammok ti lugar dagiti pudno a teddek ken dagiti agpampamarang a teddek.

Wenno dagiti agam-ambision nga agbalin a teddek. Saanmo a biroken ti panagbalinmo a teddek iti pakasaritaan ti ania man a literatura--ti pakasaritaan dayta a literatura mismo ti mangbirok kenka ket uray no naalamon dagiti pammadayaw a tinagtagainepmo--iti bangungot man wenno iti am-amangaw--saan a makaanay dayta a pagrukodan. Kas iti silaw, saan a maabbongan. Kasta met laeng ti rimat ti sinurat ken rimat ti sirmata ni mannurat a di aginsusurat.

Agnobnobelan idi anged-angedak pay laeng, kas iti kaaduan dagiti nagkaadu a pagraeman a mannurat.

Agrukbabka amin kadakuada ta babaen iti panagay-ayamda iti salamangka ti sao--daytay man salamangka a makapagpartuat kadagiti realidad a ditay pay naam-ammo wenno nasabsabat wenno nakitkita--nakamurmurayka ket nasaksiam ti poder nga ikut ti balikas, ti bileg ti pagsasao, ti mahika ti lengguahe.

Daytay omnipotente a kababalin ni pagsasaom.

Adda parparaipus dayta a paggaak, kas iti ipus ti ullaw a mapuruto a makidangdanggay iti lailo ti angin nga isu met laeng a lailo a motor ti panagsala dagiti bulong ken panagkumpas dagiti sanga. Iti ungto ti paggaak a narabuy ken nanakman ken mamati iti espiritu ket daytay man naibagsol a ladingit, naitudok iti barukong kas maysa a punial a di mabag-ot, naiwekwek kadagiti urat, lasag, tulang.

Angawek ti tao iti ungto ti linia. Sikanto met ngamin, mangiramramanka!

No mayatkayo met a mairamraman!

Agbibibisinka ngamin iti dayaw!

Wen ngarud, kunana. Sadinno kadi pay ti pangalaan?

Maysaka met gayam a sibulias, kinunak, saan a kas pananghusga no di ket panagdasig. Maysa a kakaen ti panangibilangkon kenkuana, kas kadagiti dadduma pay a mannurat iti lugar a nakaisadsadak, dagiti mannurat nga addan tumutop nga isip ken pakinakem kadagiti nagkaadu a bambanag iti panagsuratan ken iti langenlangen. Adu dagiti pagtamdam ditoy--ngem adu met dagiti di makapudno segun iti metro nga us-usarek.

Di met umiso ngamin, kunana. Maipapan ti pannakaiwekwek ti punial iti dayaw ken naganna ti kunana. Sa maiwekwek iti barukong, iti rabii nga al-alawenna ti kararuana.

Kunak no naturedka. Agkatkatawaak.

Saan a kasta a, kunana, iti timek a napakumbaba, sisusugat, silalagip kadagiti sugat.

Mannuratka ngamin. Saanka nga aginsusurat.

Agpasyo, kunana. Masirmatak ti isem iti rupana ken ti panangdanggay dagiti kurenren iti mugingna iti isemna.

Amin a mannurat ket arsagid. Siak daytoy.

Alistotayo a masudak. Isuna dayta.

Wen, nauneg no kua. Umukuok. Isu a kastaka. Siak manen.

Ammok, kinuna. Ikatkatawak laeng ngem sabali a talaga ti panagsaadna.

Ket ania ngarud itan, kunak.

We have to move on. We are stronger now, kunana.

Good, we learn. Yes, we are not here for anything other than giving value to what we have got.

Dayta man, kunana. Awan ti ari-ari. Awan ti nagbabaetan. Awan ti kinnasir, awan ti panagsisina.

Diak naguni. The wounded healer, kunak iti bagik.

So, the writers convention and conference will go on in October then? sinaludsodko tapno maburak ti atiddog nga ulimek iti baetanmi, daytay ulimek a mangin-inaw iti sennaay wenno sabali manen a liday.

Yes, I guess. We need to plan now. But I will talk to the other officers.

Ok, then, kunak. Lick your wounds. Siak metten ti nagkatawa, sungbat ti agsubsublin a katawana.

Ngem adda parparaipus ti katawak.

Ammok. Nalaing a mangngeddeng ti pakasaritaan. Ditoy a naigamer dagiti testamento dagiti nanakman.


A Solver Agcaoili
UH Manoa, Hon, HI
En 23/06

Waiting for No Thing

(Note: For many days on end, I was looking into my piles and piles of drafts, documents, diaries on paper napkins and bus tickets, and other assortment of papers torn from sides or edges of other papers. I took to Los Angeles some of these when I went home to the homeland last summer and then, with my writing life totally dependent on these, they were the first that I put in the post office media box and then shipped to Honolulu where I was to teach beginning Fall 2006.

In the hiatus between preparing modules for my class on Modern Philippine Film and writing abstracts for conference papers, with the conferences sprouting like mannagadu mushrooms in the July-August moonsoon of my unfinished storm country, I took a peak at these boxes now relegated to some sacrosant corner in my Waipahu place.

Lo and behold, this morning, I found this unfinished poem on EDSA Revolution I, the poem a subtle indictment, or so I hope, of what transgression and wastage the Cory Regime did to the grace and blessing EDSA People Power had given back to the masses of the Philippine people.

I look at the poem from a Lincoln Life insurance diary of 1991 and I count the years: 15 long years, the poem bearing the date 27 February 1991 right below the title, and in that uncertain parenthetical, written towards the last three pages of the diary courtesy of an insurance agent I had hoped to buy some life insurance from.

I tried to sense what the poem was and I felt a certain quality of unfinishedness in it: unfinished because it was probably scribbled during the abominable EDSA Revolution anniversary celebration where the big shots share the center stage while the nameless and faceless masses who braved the tanks and wrath of the powerholders remain incognito, back on the street, reduced as spectators of the glorification and self-gratification and self-promotion of the biggies, right on the EDSA stage built for a day in order to commit to elitist and burgis memory the elitist and burgis claims of the ruling elite and burgis class of the miserable and sad and sorrowful country.

Tempus fugit--agpuga ti panawen. Vita brevis, ars longa--ababa laeng ti biag ngem ti arte atiddog, agnanayon, di maungpot-ungpot. Of course, some revision and editing was necessary.)

Waiting for No Thing

There is no pealing of the bells
heard in this waiting at EDSA.

We wait for the ceremonies
to start & listen once again
to the widow who promised revolution
in the rice bin & on the lunch plates
of our yellowing children.

The widow, after saying
her prayers, her black ivory rosary
on her convent hands,
has gone to sleep.

Now she dreams
in full color, sometimes in sepia for nostalgia
to account her lost days with her martyred lover
he who gave himself up, arms raised,
in surrender to some good fortune and good fates
some such histories decreed on the elect
in our country as is elsewhere.

Always, they capitalize on their martyrs'
death, like the icons we bring around
in the days of the holy week
when suffering is sacrifice is sacred
while our own, more in number,
lie in unmarked earth, alone with namelessness,
not even a song or a poem
or some good words for having fought to live
or for having lived to fight
& then offering themselves for this good cause
only we the masses know.

They always win,
them martyrs who calculate
the profit margins
for late heroism, while we the masses starve,
negotiate with nightmares of food
& the dire request of children for milk
& they cannot sleep, the children
& starvation is in their lips
wordless beyond the smell of
a scoop of porridge
& it is spilled in the way to where
the EDSA ceremonies
are turned into a spectacle
blind the masses
as the graceful dancers balance
the kinetics of hunger & the hungry
& one paid singer on the stage
sways her hips for
one mezzo-soprano showmanship
the masses will bring home as eternal memory
even as the cooking pots remain cold,
the singer's hips telling us
she does not know how to wait for some gruel
to forget the meaning of misery made holy.

Five years is like yesterday,
the dustbin of memory
being our name,
& there we throw everything
so no one will account
b/c no one remembers.

We name our pains

alone.

We greet ourselves with
the lonesomeness of grief.

We are to seek, we assure
our clerics, them who do not know
why there is manna
in the poor's absent meal.

We are to seek, we say again, and again,
& they do not believe us,
not a bit like a morsel of a stale bread
we could half or share
like the way we did the first time
people's revolution and hunger were twins
one February of our liberty.

So now they give us host instead,
unleavened,
white,
gleaming,
and full of promises.

Salvation is in the eating with finesse,
they say, slowly, until you choke
to your grace-filled death.

The poor could have been looking
for a chaser from the mompo,
that red wine of our thirst.

But the cleric takes one gulp alone:
we are too damn many for the partaking.

There is hope in there
from the emptied graves,
like that of the one the messiah raised
from the living dead,
like the messiah's as well,
with the boulders opening
to mighty little surprises
of flesh becoming porous,
transcendent, delicate, beyond living.

There is no mortality in these festivities
of the elect of the sad land.

There is only end,
& in this anniversary
& other anniversaries to come
of our usurped sacrifices
we ought all to come to grief.


A Solver Agcaoili
EDSA Anniversary, Feb 27/91-
blogged, Jan 18/07

2007 Nakem International Conference, Announcement

2007 NAKEM International Conference
University of Hawaii at Manoa-
Ilokano Language and Literature Program
&
Mariano Marcos State University System

PANAGPANAW KEN PANAGINDEG—
EXILE AND SETTLING IN ILOKANO &
AMIANAN HISTORY AND CULTURE

Host
Mariano Marcos State University
Batac, Ilocos Norte, the Philippines
May 22-25, 2007

Rationale

The Nakem Conferences, under the auspices of the Ilokano and Philippine Drama and Film Program, University of Hawai`i at Manoa, Honolulu, Hawai`i, is a collaborative program with other higher institutions of learning in the United States, the Philippines, and other countries. Commencing with the 2006 Nakem Centennial Conference participated in by hundreds of scholars, cultural workers, creative writers, academics, civic and political leaders from the State of Hawai`i, the United States Mainland, the Philippines, Australia, Japan, Canada, and New Zealand, the Nakem Conference aims to:

• Bring into focus the various critical practices of the Ilokanos and the people of Amianan and abroad;
• Reflect on these critical practices under the prism of the nexus of global cultures;
• Reflect on the urgent need to affirm minority cultural and linguistic rights in the face of the hegemonic positioning of dominant cultures, languages, and critical practices; and
• Draw up a dynamic discourse on the need to articulate the silences in the narratives of struggle and survival of the Ilokanos and the people of Amianan.

Host, Venue, and Date of 2007 Nakem Conference

While Nakem Conference is under the auspices of the Ilokano and Philippine Drama and Film Program of the University of Hawai`i at Manoa, its holding is always in partnership and collaboration with other organizations, individuals, and higher institutions of learning in the United States and abroad.

For the 2007 Nakem Conference, the host will be the Mariano Marcos State University System and the venue will be at this University’s main campus in Batac, Ilocos Norte, the Philippines.

The date of the 2007 Nakem Conference is May 22-25 as approved and scheduled by the joint technical panel of the MMSU headed by Dr. Miriam Pascua and UH-M’s IPDFP headed by Dr. Aurelio Agcaoili. In the same technical panel, Dr. Alegria Tan Visaya will chair the Philippine technical panel while Dr. Agcaoili will chair the United States technical panel. A joint panel from these two panels will administer the 2007 Nakem Conference.

It is proper and fitting that the Nakem Conference will go back to its roots in consciousness, culture, and creative potential—the Ilocos and Amianan as both territorial and psychic spaces—and its going back to the Philippines is a semiotic gesture demanded by the obligation to remembrance, memory, and memory-making and their power to instill in our cultures and communities—virtual and physical—to keep the creative collaborative anito alive.

Call for Collaborators, Partners, Volunteers, and Sponsors

Invitations have been sent to various organizations, academic institutions, individuals, and cultural leaders to take part as collaborators, partners, volunteers, and/or sponsors in the holding of this historic 2007 Nakem Conference—it is going to be the first time that it will be held in the Philippines after its inauguration in the United States as a gathering of scholars, academics, and cultural and community leaders.

Those interested to join as collaborators, partners, volunteers, and/or sponsors, in their individual and organizational capacity, should contact the respective chair of each country’s technical panel:

• Philippine panel: Dr. Alegria Tan Visaya, chair, atvisaya@yahoo.com, &/or
• United States panel: Dr. Aurelio S. Agcaoili, chair, aurelioa@hawaii.edu, nakemconference@yahoo.com.


Call for Papers

Beginning January 1, 2007, the joint technical panel will accept abstracts for presentation at the conference proper. All abstracts should deal on the theme, “Panagpanaw ken Panagindeg—Exile and Settling in Ilokano and Amianan History and Culture.”

Abstracts in Ilokano are welcome provided that each is accompanied by an English translation. Presentations in Ilokano and other Amianan languages are also welcome provided that such presentations, or the key aspects of such presentations, are translated in English.

While we encourage full and active participation from each one, the joint technical panel reserves the right to exclude abstracts and presentations that are deemed not in keeping with the conference theme or not in keeping with certain standards set forth by the same 2007 Nakem Conference Steering Committee and technical panel. This is to ensure quality discourses and scholarship in the Nakem Conference.

Topics and/or Themes

The following topics, themes, and researches are deemed of prior importance in the pursuit of the objectives of the 2007 Nakem Conference:

• Ilokano and Amianan Studies and the Question of Exile and Settling
• Ilokano and Amianan Studies and Migration Studies
• IAS and the Literatures of Exile and Diaspora
• The Ilocos and Amianan as Tropes of the Nation/Global Nation
• Critical Perspectives in Ilokano and Amianan Studies
• Ilokano and Amianan Studies in the Regions
• Ilokano and Amianan Studies and Philippine Diaspora Studies
• Cultural and Linguistic Democracy and IAS
• Approaches and Methodologies in the Promotion, Preservation and Production of Cultures from the Ilocos and Amianan
• The Critical Tradition in Literatures and Cultures from the Regions
• Ilokano as Lingua Franca and Basic Education
• Ilokano as Lingua Franca and the Question of Governance
• Ilokano and Amianan Languages and Liberation Pedagogy
• Theatrical and Performance Arts: Preservation and Appreciation
• The Visual Arts of Exile and Settling
• Balikbayan as Settling Again: Narratives and Counter-Narratives
• Ilokano and Amianan OFW Experience: Gender, Sexuality, and Freedom
• Ethno-philosophical Excursus from the Ilocos and Amianan
• Liberation Linguistics, the Ilocos, and the Cordilleras
• The Amianan Languages and Cultural Practices: the Search for Connections

Postings for Updates

As in the 2006 Nakem Centennial Conference, we are going to maintain the Nakem website administered by Dr. Raymund Liongson, Coordinator of the Philippine Studies Program, Leeward Community College, University of Hawai`i: philippinesonline.org/nakem.

Other postings and updates could be found at the MMSU website, the Timpuyog, and other sites dedicated to Ilokano and Amianan cultures, languages, and histories.

Conference Costs

The actual cost of the conference, to include registration, kits, lodging, and other incidentals, will be determined by the joint technical panel and will be posted in the appropriate various Nakem websites. A user-friendly registration form detailing technical requirements for registration will also be made available in these websites.

(PR001: 12-26-06/asa/rev 01-04-07asa)

Alerto

No todos dormian en la noche de nuestros abuelos--
adda dagiti naynay a siririing iti rabii dagiti amma ken innatayo.

1.
Saantay a nakikadua
iti dudungsa wenno simmurot
iti awis ti panangbaybay-a
iti ili. Dagiti allawig
ket nagindegda
kadagiti duag dagiti taengtayo.
Liktadenda pay ti agpipiapi
koma nga agdan tapno makontra
ti awanan-regget a panagpadanon
ket iti pataguab a mabigatan
dagiti namnama ti dulang ti ili
wenno daytay man punsion
a makiwar dagiti siliasi
mapunno ti laem iti gargarakgak
dagiti agbarabaran iti piditpidit
ket ti pasamano tagikukuaen
ti ariwawa dagiti mapnek
iti baak a basi, masukmon
a kas iti panagul-uli
mayawat iti abalayan dagiti umuna a rabii
a ti puso ket maibalud iti sabali pay a puso
ket iti panaganikki dagiti anit-it
ti umuna nga agpatnag ti matrimonia
dagiti lasag ken lasag
agkumpas ti alimpatok
agbilang kadagiti anges
iti pagan-anay ti bain
nga itan ket agnagan iti panagpabus-oy,
panangited iti kinalamolamo
ti rikna nga agduyos iti sabali pay
ti milagro iti gitebgiteb ti barukong
ti kellaat kadagiti katawa
kabayatan ti panagmaymaysa.

2.
Ket kadagiti balitang wenno papag
iti sirok ti mangga iti agmalmalanga
nga arubayan, sadiay nga agurok
ti bangungot, agalimbasagen
a mangriing kadagiti turog
a turog a pungan wenno pus-ong
wenno takiag
wenno dagiti agumbi a bibig
kas iti panagumbi ti makipagili
iti kinalinteg dagiti rusok
a kakaen ti naunday unayen a bisin
wenno pananglangan kadagiti grasia
ti ugaw, ti anting-anting
a paulo dagiti amin nga atang
iti puli a naggapuan
kadagiti pangamaen a tinenneb ti derrep
kadagiti panginaen a pinartuat ti duayya
kadagiti annak a pinagsisipungtuan
ni managsapsapa a karayo.

3.
Saan, saantayo a paabak
iti balligi ti dudungsa.
Kaduaentay ti naunday a rabii
a mangpasangbay iti nagabay
nga oras ti innala ken ayat.


A Solver Agcaoili
En 16/06
UH Manoa

Panangiras

...intay mangiras ket ibatitayo ti apuy nga inudo dagiti nakapuy...
Jim Agpalo, Enero 15, 2007

Maysa a seremonia ti panangiras.
Masapul ditoy ti laing ti mannanakaw,
daytay nasanting a mangurimaong
iti atang iti anito nga aniwaas
a karkarma dagiti anniniwan
dagiti minasakerda nga ayat
kadagiti balikas nga ukopan
koma ni mannurat ngem ta, iti rengngat
dagiti ariangga nga awan labas,
adda sadiay ti pangta ti tippuog
dagiti mannaniw a mannakabalin-amin.

Agsaknap ti sipnget uray iti agmatuon:
iti barukong, agdudupudop sadiay
ti lamiis, ket lagipen dagiti sumungad
nga aldaw, saan a ti napalabas,
ti aldaw a kari dagiti sardam iti parbangon
a ti inudo ket maysa a birtud
wenno mannubbot a komunion
pannakiranod iti ostia ti kinnadua
ti palad iti apuy, amin a palad,
aginudoda kas idi un-unana
ket iti ulimek saritaen ti rugi dagiti gibus
ti pungdol wenno beggang wenno atong
nga imemoria dagiti mata
wenno isem manipud iti rupa ti agsapa.

Lawlawentay ti apuy
ta makainudo dagiti nakapuy
ta agpakired dagiti mesias ti padso
nga agnagan iti padpadto.

Birokentay ti kasapuego
kadagiti bassawang: sadiay a residente
ti panagiras kadagiti makabiag a sao,
agtagilasag kas iti dungngo ti kapuyo
kadagiti bibig a mannanao.

A Solver Agcaoili
En 15/07
Hon, HI

Ulaw ti Awagda iti Surat

Ulaw ti awagda iti surat,
kas iti husga dagiti baglan
kadagiti impostor a mangngagas
wenno kadagiti mediko ti kararua
kadagiti mangngablon iti nakem
a nasayaat wenno agbirbirok
iti nasamay nga ayat.

Iti ilimi ita ket ti sinnungbat:
ulaw iti ulaw. Mayat a madi,
madi a mayat dagiti maisawang
a regget kadagiti petsa ti kalendario
a saksi kadagiti palangguad
ti balligi a rinarabak. Awan sirmata
kadagiti linabag ti salaysay
a napauluan iti riro
wenno kinakuspag
wenno pasindayag dagiti uni
ti ari ken ti aribai kontra
kadagiti gagangay a kas kaniak,
isuda nga agkakaasmang
a paraiddek iti rugit nga idul-a
ti maar-ariek a bibig ni maikanniwas.

Saan nga agtagilasag ni laing ditoy:
agikay kadagiti mababain nga aripit
iti naalikuteg nga apres a makilinnaing
kadagiti makakiki a bassawang ti rabii a makisinniket
kadagiti makaariek a karayo ti sardam a makiinnangaw
kadagiti makaluya nga umbi ti kaltaang a makialimpatok
makikammaysa kas iti dimmiro a samiweng
ti nargaan a parbangon nga agwalangwalang.

Ulaw ti awagda iti kakaisuna a surat:
saan a mabatok ti riper ti danum
a ti apresna ket iti narugit a lansad.


A Solver Agcaoili
UH Manoa, En 14/06

Panagmalanga iti Blangko nga Iskrin

1.
Adu dagiti pangngarig iti isip
nga agbirbirok iti lengguahe.

Kasda man laeng agruting a sanga
wenno murumor iti nadam-eg a daga.

Ngem no dadduma aglaladut
dagiti makusbo a ramay.

No madomingguan ti panunot,
makidinnanggay daytoy
kadagiti aginana a damag
malaksid iti pannakabitay manen
ti kabsat iti ama ti diktador
isuda a kabusor ti naindemokrasiaan
a balikas ti kabusorda met laeng
isuda nga aggapu iti puraw
a kapitolio dagiti sabsabali a pudno
kas iti panaggapu met
dagiti adu unayen a pananglimlimo
kadatayo ti palasio iti karayan
a nabuyok.
Minassayagen dagiti siglosiglo
a kari kadatayo dagiti amin a langit
nga impasngay ti dios
ket ti balikas a salakan
ti daniw a di sumangpet
masilpo-ti-riro.

Mananggulib
a dadaulo dagiti umili
dagiti agsiuman a riknatayo
no kasta nga agikay dagiti daniw
kadagiti mail-ila a sellangtayo
datayo a kasingin dagiti leddaang
a sagut ti ili kadagiti malmalday
a binatog ti daniwtayo.

2.
Umanayen nga almusar ti masiluan
a pangngarig iti nasapa unay
a panagsaraaw ti panunottayo.

A S Agcaoili
UH Manoa, En 14/07

Revaluating Fatherhood While in the Land of Exile

Daughter, 5 years: Kailan ka ba uuwi, papa?
Father, in exile: Pag nakaipon ng pamasahe.
Daughter: Bakit po, magkano ang pamasahe?
Father, in exile: Mahal. Kaya nag-iipon ako.
Daughter: Magkano po kasi? May alkansiya ako, pauutangin kita.
An exchange between my daughter Francine, 5, and me



The new year brings in a lot of cheers, they say, and it is so.

We can only borrow the Aramaic "Amen" here and we concur, with delight in our hearts, that indeed joy has come knocking on the door of this exile in the land of the exiled, and say this is true and tell it as such, and accept it as such, and seal it in truth and love and faith.

The particulars of this joy can only come when I began to abandon myself to this laughter that seldom resides in my migrant heart, although I know full well that its germ is in there, because, when the world is not agog with all the meaningless and the vacuous, I can laugh to my heart's content.

But for the last several days beginning the 30th of December--31st in the Philippines--when I began monitoring the New Year's day celebration in the homeland, the youngest daughter began to bombard me with her cross-examination, as if she were fathoming the idea why I did not come home when her two aunties, one from the Middle East, and another from Germany, came home to be with their families.

I had thought of blogging our exchange so that someday she would be able to read what transpired between us during the transit of 2006 to 2007.

On the road to work each day, and during my free hours, I think of our usual exchange that now borders on the comical, with the daughter displaying such an exuberance I have not known, her verbal ability more than what you can expect from a five year-old, with wit that can make her siblings, far older that she is, laugh and forgive and tolerate her.

She can be the reigning princess of sibling sarcasm when she wants it, with a sarcasm that makes them sit up and think and rethink, and finally say, "Oo nga pala, ano!"

But today's blog from her elder sister is a surprise. Read up and you will laugh, that laughter the beginning of your laughters to come for one full year.

Francine--her Ilokano name is Nasudi which translates to "pure, immaculate"--has been quizzing me whether I have gotten her card, that one that she herself has made and that she has sent through a friend who vacationed in the homeland but has yet to come back to Honolulu.

No, I said.

Magugustuhan mo, papa, she said, eagerly and with confidence.

I know, and I thank you, I said. When I get it, I will let you know.

Today, I have come to know of a bigger truth: that since Christmas, that little girl has been obsessessed with card-making.

Her sister Camille says Francine a.k.a. Nasudi makes cards day in and day out--and this one card that she made and is posted by her sister, is a clue to what has been going on in her mind these days.

The signs are there: airplane, the sea, the lands, the home, the numbers, her age, her name, the skies, and two two texts: Grow Op and Abnormal Psychology. Where on earth did she get all those terms?

She makes me laugh, this girl. You can see the card at: camillerocks.blogspot.com

A Solver Agcaoili
Manoa, HI
Jan 4/06

Quicksilver Euphoria in Exilo—and Your First Thoughts in 2007

(Note: I write these thoughts while waiting for the midnight hour to strike the first hour of the new year. There is noise all around, and fireworks of all kinds lit the starless sky, the fireworks becoming instant stars whose quicksilver promsie of light is entinguished not long after these are ignited and sent to soar in the heavens. I think of home, the homeland, and countrymen. I think of all the motions that go into this facetious rite, one that is literally empty. Then again, we have to look for meaning even when there is none, and I wrote this piece to fulfill that obligation, hoping that the new year comes with its freshness, its novelty, its new promise of hope.)


Your first New Year in Oahu, this 2007.

You stand at the corner of Hoaeae and Hanowai at this midnight that the last clock of December gives in to the first hour of January. The gathering noise from firecrackers lighted all around gives a cover to your unnamed pain as a voluntary exile. In this corner, one of the highest elevations in Waipahu, you see the outline of Pearl Harbor. With the quick glow of costly fireworks that by Chinese thought are meant to drive away the evil spirits, you usher in new thoughts and the best of good luck for the coming year. In this place, you witness for the first time the exchange of sights and sounds from all directions, the display in the ground and in the sky spectacular, the sound a boom beat that is capable of breaking the eardrums. When you were young, you remember your father, your two younger brothers and you gathered on a hilltop with your home-made bamboo cannon with the gunpowder. The boom the crude instrument created was sufficient to welcome the innocent years of your young lives, you and your siblings, some innocence your father helped cultivate.

Oahu, the island you are residing in now, is “the gathering place” in the Hawaiian language.

Kings and rulers and their handpicked supporters came here a long time ago to meet up and decide on important issues concerning the islands before some power-holders and power-trippers decided that these islands belong to some other more powerful dream beyond these islands. It is the dream of a new empire, a new manifest destiny, a new mission on spreading democracy so that capital can get into the coffers of investors and industrialists and their allies.

The power is that one of imagination—and the imagination of the borderless reach of commerce and profit and the extension of an empire so other nations would know that a newly-born empire is about to declare its military might. This is your United States Mainland with its expanding vision of what a powerful nation ought to look like and behave politically, geographically, and commercially.

Oahu in these islands promises an ultimate insular life, an insular fever. It is your quintessential barrio life in the Ilocos, the life with its share of inconsequential people with their penchant for easy sensationalism. The easy sensationalism is calculated to pursue their career for self-importance, to magnify their smallness, and to advertise their lack of grace by passing it off as their own self-defined version of magnanimity of spirit. The easy targets are those with more brilliant ideas, the ideas the ones these inconsequential people cannot have precisely because they cannot fathom them. So they go mercenary, in a manner that is artsy but ultimately artless by decapitating others. That done, they do rise, and rise to quicksilver stardom like these little stars the fireworks create for our eyes to see for a quick second and they are gone.

You smile the smile of someone who cannot believe what you are seeing. You raise your arms in the air, in total surrender to all the forces of life that make it certain that things go by the edict of some grand story somewhere, the story by someone grander that anyone of the small and little men and women and children that we all are. We are, simply put, a speck in the universe, an almost invisibel dot in the whole schemata of things and the sooner that we realize this, we do not go by Jose Garcia Villa's man who challenges his creator.

Think positive, you tell yourself, recalling Norman Vincent Peale’s feel-good advise in the 70s when your homeland was in quandary because everyone was promising a good society for everyone and not only for some residents of some fancy palaces of power. Include their cohorts and you have a cabal of bastards shanghaiing the basic human rights of cowering Filipinos. The fact that some good-for-nothing Ilokano writers chose either to become allies to this cabal of bastards or to remain silent is one for the books. But those were interesting times, and we all were living in those interesting times—or at least we were pretending to live normal lives. Oh, the rewards for court-jesting were great, insurmountable. And those who got some of the crumbs of power and court-jesting are still around, tormenting us with their holier-than-thou attitude.

What am I doing here in this transition time? you ask yourself.

You understand that there is a problem with your figure of speech here, but this is the tropics, and the tropic requirement for a kind of writing in your mind accepts the metaphor. The abominable writers with their abominable cowardice will not catch you. You are taking the liberty to get mixed up with your mixed metaphors. You tell yourself that this is the time for renewal, for molting, for leaving all the negative thoughts behind, throw them to the wind so that the strong and fierce wind would carry them away, to the vast waters yonder, to the heavens that can give the proper absolution for all your errors and deficits in the heart.

You gather yourself in this noise, in the din, in the dim, in this spectacle that comes to this place only once a year. Hawaii is the last place in the whole world to welcome the New Year, you remind yourself. Your family back home has celebrated it and the wife must have accounted the bills that she hang on her curtains to welcome the promise of good wealth and good vibes, she being some twenty-five percent Chinese through her mother’s bloodline. And with your bloodline of brown Chinese in the Ilocos, your household must really be creeping with a certain degree of Chinese-ness, what with the ubiquitous atang—the food offering—you asked your wife to do in remembrance of the anitos and all the spirits of the universe including the spirits of the dearly departed, in thanksgiving as well for the old year, and in welcoming the new year with its mystical significance, with the seven at its end.

So many thoughts come to you, in ripples, in profusion, in downpour, as if waves and sweat and rain are all coming together in a number of seconds that you watch one huge lighted fireworks, the one looking like a huge intestines, one end tied to a pole, the other down on the ground, and as soon as it is lighted, the sparks come in like a dancer in a trance, and the boom coming in quick steps, the sparks and the boom creating an accapella of primal rhythm you remember for the many new years you have witnessed, the last four in these faraway land.

The good thoughts are many, with Sinamar Robianes Tabin calling you to say hello, and greet you with the best thoughts for the New Year and telling you of the need to move on, go on, and pursue to the end one dream that is not for the pursuers but for the generations that will come after them. You return the greeting back, promising your gifts, your assistance, your love for the language and the culture of the people whose abode you come from, the abode of their spirits, the indwelling of their souls. “I have with me the hymn for the group,” says she at the other end of the line some miles away into the deep of the white Christmas country, out there in the big Salt Lake City, not the same named smaller city you have in Oahu but somewhere in the heart of Utah where Filipinos are now going and settling and building lives, inspite of the snow and the long nights of the winter season. "Nakalamlamiis itatta," she tells you, and you imagine her and Manong Loring Tabin all bundled up, with the thermals and the heavy jackets, and their lips on fire, with the smoke of the cold air coming between the teeth that clatter once in a while. You know there is the hearth, the fireplace in those postcard perfect houses. But the heat of the tropics is not the same warth you all remember, you who have chosen to leave the homeland, enamored by the kind thought that you will somehow build a life in strange places. Or so you dream, and dream big.

You look at the lights in the night sky, the lights banishing the darkness for a time, and then the starlings come in quick brilliance, stunning you, rendering you awe-struck and thinking, “How could they have thought of making small joys and spectacles out of gunpowder?” You could have been more ethnically appropriate, “What wisdom was there among the Chinese that they have known the magical powers of fireworks upon a sad, exilic heart?”

There is that euphoric feeling in there, and your pulse beats faster, that same feeling that you have got when you have confirmed that genuine comradeship of friends of the pen.

You keep their names in your heart, believing that their names are all-too sacred to be pronounced or mispronounced. You know that are people like that, revered and respected in silence because they deserved all of the reverence and respect, in fullness and in that quietude you cannot deny, in that quietude that language is full and entire, and lying and pretensions are not possible.

The smell of gunpowder gets into your lungs now. You walk around, and the spectacle of this evening gets to heat up, with the night sky now filled with all the sparkling lights.

With that feeling of euphoria now slowly being exiled, you connect with the universe and all the exiles all over the world, all the Filipino exiles in more than one hundred twenty countries, and say a little prayer for their families and loved ones. You see a million like you, you hear them, you imagine them, you have them in your mind—and you can only heave a deep sigh.

With the New Year, you remind yourself, hope springs eternal. A clique, but it is eternal and true.

A Solver Agcaoili
Waipahu, HI
Dec 31/06-Jan 1/07

The New in the New Year

The new in the new year is hope, that virtue that shields us all from the hurly-burly of the everyday. The news here in the United States is not good either, with wars the country is involved in weighing it terribly down. There is a certain cynicism now, as is that feeling when, in April 2003, the Bagdhad objective was called for and pursued. I was quite new to this country then, and I did not know much about this aggression and agitation while the whole country was reeling from the aftermath of the New York debacle. Despite our living in difficult and interesting times, there is reason to hope, as this hope guides us to follow where the path may lead us to something with clarity and care--the clarity of our purposes, for ourselves and other people, and the care with which we are to temper these purposes.

The first day of each year is always a mixture of feelings for me--and in exile, this mixed bag of emotions get to intensify, uncertain whether to linger in my room for a while and do some brushing up with my reading and research--yes, I do them at the same time, as is the expectation of university teaching everywhere--or shake off the dust of the old year, pat myself a bit, and run to where the wild forest is.

So I drive and drive to wherever the spirit leads me.

Today I am just in touch with my feelings, turning the steering wheel where that sense tells me.

To the foot of the Tantalus first, I tell myself.

Tantalus is that mountain that I see from my window and overlooking the vast Waikiki sea.

Which I do now, gassing up a bit some five miles more beyond the speed limit but careful that I am not overspeeding, an act I cannot stand, and an experience I cannot forget when living in the US Mainland and I had to navigate the distances between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, Los Angeles and San Diego, Los Angeles and San Francisco, and Los Angeles and everwhere we would fancy on when we have some days in our hands--some days to get away from all the heaviness of daily living as immigrants. There is a rich symbolism here, this constanct movement, this constant running away from the arid nooks of your domicile that reminds you that in these are the uncertainties that need not be said, that should remain in their silences and mutedness, to keep you sane.

Those who have not experienced how to live so far away from the homeland might look at the migrancy experience as a romantic going away to a far-flung place to earn all the dollars you can lay your hands on, scoop them with ease, and send them with gusto to the waiting family and relatives back home. No sir, no madam, life is as tenuous over here as in the homeland, and the sacrifices are probably more, with the pillows wet in evenings when sleep does not come to you right away because the thought of your family so far away, so near in your heart and yet so far from you, comes as a torment.

So drive I did, and to the foot of the mountain.

I get in touch with my feeling and I am driving to the Ala Moana now, on Nimitz, past the airport.

I get past the piers, so solemn in their inactivity during the holidays, with the ala-Titinic luxury liner Pride of Hawaii docked on Pier 14, its bow tied to some posts, its movement on the water so still you can see peace on its huge and imposing structure. Someday, I tell myself, I will get onto it, and cruise and cruise to my heart's content.

I drive past the immigration office, past the row of commercial establishments that are now busy with shoppers. In a little while I reach Waikiki shore and there, I look at the thousands of families in their picnicking and memory-making, with the children shrieking with delight as they hit the cool waters or run wild in the sand or hit the ball with their parents on the grass. What a sight, and my heart melts.

Take courage, I tell myself.

I take out my tatami mat I bought from a Japanese specialy store and which I always keep with me. But today is the first time that I ever gather the strength to unroll the mat, have it spread on the verdant grass, and lie on my back to watch the grey clouds go by. There is drizzle but I do not mind, as all the others do not mind. Drizzle in the new year is for good luck. After some time, the sea wind blows it away, to the mountaintops in the north, to the Tantalus side, to the Ala Moana valley, to the valley of rainbows.

I go back to the car and retrieve the books I have started reading but have yet to speed-read so I can get to have a handle of what they are saying. There are so many books in my car that it has doubled as a mini-library. Previously, it has served as a mini-closet: jogging pants, shorts, and jackets. Some kind of a kitchen is there as well: bottled water, Pringles, and tea drink--all needed after some exercise. I remember that I have not changed a lot from my Philippine ways: my car in the homeland had all the test papers, term papers, and creative works of my students, that there was hardly any room for the grocery.

I started to read Elredge again; and Freire and Burke are close by. I am on topics that seem to be poles apart, Elredge on the power of story and our connection with the story-maker; Freire on language and reading and liberating education; and Burke on a personal account of his journey in a wild river. Ha! I am finishing Elredge now and I marking the pages, hoping to come up with some notes on a 5 X 8 in the future, a deed every researcher ought to do for what is called 'scholarship.' It is being honest with your sources--it is intellectual integrity, a key concept in university career and intellectual life.

I look all around me: there is crisp laughter, there is that guffaw in its intense tone, there is that abondonment to laughter and joy and celebration. Each one is happy at this happiest of hour, on a bright and sunny and gay noon in the Waikiki area. And I am alone.

I pray: give me courage. I say "Om, Om, Om." I repeat this exercise, and I get in touch with my aloneness, ala-Rod McKuen, a songwriter of the Beatles.

I begin to be conscious of my breathing, the exhaling and inhaling now a ceremony of some sort, a ritual to recognizing the beauty of life despite your being alone in a crowd. Waikiki during the holidays is a crowd and you have no business going there alone if you did not want the feeling to get to pierce your heart.

But I like to be alone, I tell myself. And I really do--as all writers must realize now, since aloneness is what makes them write. For poets, that aloneness is even worse because it has to have its surname: the poet is not to be only alone but he must also be terribly sad to be able to write a good poem. Otherwise, what that pretending poet has got is an empty bluff, a pfffft. We write good poems because we are sad, so deeply sad. Precisely.

I shake the dust off my jacket and pants; I leave the sea.

I drive to the west to hit back to the freeway, on Nimitz, and there, lo and behold, there is that rainbow so beautiful in its Benetton colors, its colors the crayola of my youth and innocence, its hue the watercolors of my fathering days, with two children coloring everything including our house's concrete walls. I recall Noah and the deluge--and I recall the promise of Yahweh to the people, the Yahweh as the Birther of the Cosmos, the Birther of Life--the Yahweh as "Avon dvashmayya."

I feel God looking at me, and in God's aloneness, I have company.

I hit the freeway, and go east to exit to the foot of the Tantalus. On University Avenue, another rainbow shows up, bigger, its colors more solid as it is nearer, and with the huge mountain range as the background, I feel I am looking at a still life created by a landscape artist.

This is not for real, I tell myself. I look to my left as I speed up a bit and I can see clearly the end of the bow. I look to my right and I can see the other end of the bow. I am close to the rainbow now, and I am getting closer and closer. As soon as I hit the foot of Tantalus, the rainbow becomes porous, the colors faint, and the closer I get to it, the more the colors get fainter and fainter until, on another closer look, the rainbow fuses with the scene and the afternoon light. I only see now a faint outline.

I tell myself, this is a good sign, one of hope. On the first day of January, I do not see only a raibow but two rainbows, their brilliant colors giving me a clue of the brilliant days ahead.

I have to hope--and I have to pray and hope, I promise myself.

In the late afternoon of getting it touch with myselft, I am ready to head back home and do my writing, the act of writing celebrating in joy and freedom my aloneness.

I am blessed, I tell myself. I cannot ask for more.

Before sitting down to write, I take the clear bowl of water, take it to the sink, and throw the old water away. I wash the bowl and put a fresh water on it. I put it back on a corner I declared sacred.

A Solver Agcaoili
Waipahu, HI
Jan 2/06

Lukat a Surat ni T Gabriel Tugade

(Note: Daytoy ti umuna-maudi a sungbat ni T Gabriel Tugade maipapan kadagiti isyu a rimrimmuar iti Dap-ayan, segun met laeng kenkuana. Immunan a simmungbat ni Lorenzo G Tabin ken toy numo. Sapay ta babaen kadaytoy maudi a sungbat ket mabaelan nga umaddang dagiti aktor ken karakter iti daytoy a drama ti Literatura Ilokana. Ta nagbalinen daytoy a pudno a drama ket ti ur-urayentay ita--ti pagguuraytay amin--ti katarsis, daytay katarsis a mangik-ikot met laeng iti bukel ti pannakaisalakan-ASA.)


Pagraemak a kakabsat ditoy iloko.com. Kablaawankayo iti naragsak, namsek, natalna ken manakem a baro a tawen. Iti numo toy biang, nakallalagip ti Enero uno ta iti daytoy nga aldaw, apagisu a dua a tawen ti napalabas ti panagsubli ti regtak maipanggep iti Literatura Ilokana, kalpasan ti adu a tawen nga awan a pulos ti damagko maipanggep iti BANNAWAG, kasta met nga awan a pulos ti kontakko kadagiti kadaraan a mannurat. Diak pay idi ammo nga adda gayam daytoy iloko.com . Agyamanak kabsat nga Andy Barroga iti daytoy naisangsangayan ken kasapulan unay a websitemo.

Adu dagiti agsisinnuppiat a kakabsat ditoy dap-ayan maipanggep kaniak ken kasta met iti TMI America ken TMI Global. Kaadduanna dagiti makaipas ken nagita a balikas a kas tay pagsasaotayon a di pay malamut ti aso dagita a sao-sao. Diak idi inkaskaso dagitoy ta kinunak a sige latta no daytoy ti pakaray-awan dagiti dumadap-ay.

Iti itatapogtayo iti daytoy baro a tawen, iwaksitayo kadin ti aniaman a saan a panagkikinnaawatantayo.

Alaek man ngarud daytoy a gundaway, kakabsat, a manglawlawag kadagiti agsasamusam a kapanunotan ket sapay koma ta daytoy metten ti pangrugian ti panagtutunostayo. Awan ti gurak ken awan met ti panggepko a mangpasakit wenno makikinnarit kadakayo nga agsursurat iti nagubsang a maibalbalandra iti numo toy biang. Kiddawek nga ilawlawayo koma met ti panagpampanunotyo tapno mariknayo ti anag dagitoy balikasko.

I.

Rugiak man ngarud ti agpalawag.

Enero 1, 2005 idi kasla adda nagkuna nga: agriingkan ta ita ti panangrugi ti nabalitokan a panawen ti Literatura ken Kultura Ilokana. Nagsukisokak a dagus no ania dagiti agdama a pasamak maipanggep iti Literatura Ilokana. Nammuak nga adda pay laeng BANNAWAG, ket ni Diony Bulong ti agdama idi nga editor-in-chief. Ni Diony ti maysa kadagiti kabaddungalak a mannurat idi babbarokami pay laeng. Adda idi dagiti tinawen a pakapilian kadagiti kapipintasan a sarita iti BANNAWAG, ket kiniddawko a no mabalin ket agpasilipak met. Impakaamo ni Diony nga awanen ti pasalip nga imatonan ti BANNAWAG, ngem adda dagiti pasalip a dagiti mannurat ti sponsor.

Sumagmamano nga aldaw kalpasan ti pannakaipablaak ti pakaammo maipanggep iti pasalip, nakaawatak iti email manipud ken ni Lorenzo Tabin.

(Ni Loring ti maysa iti grupomi nga innem a mannurat a nagindeg iti bassit-usit nga apartment iti Coromina Street – napunas kanon dayta nakipet ken tunged a kalsada - iti asideg ti dati nga opisina ti BANNAWAG idiay Manila. Bassit-usit kunak ta adda maysa a teheras a dua ti kadsaaranna ken maysa a kama. Tallokami laeng idi: ni Loring, ni Prescy Bermudez ken siak. Idi kuan, immay da Peter La Julian ken ni Tante Domingo. Iti datar ti nagturoganda. Idi kuan, immay ni Ben Chua. Adda kasla bangkera - daytay pasariw-at dagidi daan a kosina a pagyanan dagiti malabi ti danum nga inumen. Iti bankera ti nagturogan ni Ben. Adda pay idi dagiti daddumma a mannurat a mayat a makikadua ngem no lablabesem ti agsao ket awan ti itiitan ta agingga a saan nga agyaplag iti ikamen da Peter ken ni Tante, pagsisinnubblatanmi ti dua a makinilia. Inaldaw met nga umay agpasiar dagiti mannurat iti Manila ket sadiay metten ti pagtarusan dagiti mannurat nga aggapu kadagiti probinsia. Masansan met idi nga umay dagiti editor ti BANNAWAG. Kadagidi a panawen, napintas unay ken naragsak ti panagtitimpuyogmi a mannurat, awan dagiti nagubsang a panagsasarita, ken sangsangkamaysakami a nangatibay iti founder ti Gumil Filipinas ta agrusrusing pay laeng idi ti gunglo.)

Ti umuna a panagpatangmi kada Loring ken Sinamar Tabin kalpasan ti pinullo a tawen ti nangrugiak a nangipeksa kadagiti dardarepdepko maipanggep iti literaturatayo. Daytoyen ti rugi dagiti pannakiinnumanko ken ni Apo Juan S.P. Hidalgo, Jr., kasta met kadagiti dadduma pay a mannurat iti Filipinas. Gapu iti gagarko a makangngeg kadagiti timek dagiti mannurat, masansan a kasaritak ida babaen iti 3-way call ken teleconference, nangruna kadagiti miting ti Gumil. Saankon nga uliten ditoy no apay a nabukel ti TMI America ken Global. Naipablaaken dayta iti BANNAWAG ken ditoy dap-ayan. Ti adatna, dagus nga adda dagiti kasla simgar nga ampo ken adda pay dagiti nanglimlimo a nagsurat nga inaramatda ti naganko. Ngem ulitek manen, saanko a kagura dagitoy nga agsursurat.

Napanunotko a nasken a maipakammo ti pannakabuangay ti TMI kadagiti mannurat iti Filipinas. Naangay dayta iti Kamayan Restaurant iti Quezon City idi Setiembre 3, 2005. Babaen ti panangidaulo ni Angel Calso, presidente ti Gumil Metro Manila itay napan a tawen ditoy a napagsasaritaan dagiti panggep ti TMI. Kas nadakamat ni Apo Richie Abadilla iti ngato, naipablaak met iti dap-ayan dagiti sumagmamano a retrato a naala iti dayta a pasken.
Nupay sumagmamano nga aldaw laeng ti pannakaisagana dayta a pangaldaw ken taripnong, dagitoy man ti karaman dagiti timmabuno:
Dionisio Bulong – agdama a presidente ti GUMIL FILIPINAS, dati nga editor-in-chief ti BANNAWAG;
Cles Rambaud - agdama nga associate editor ti BANNAWAG:
Herman Tabin - agdama a presidente ti Gumil Metro Manila, multi-awarded writer, konektado iti Asian Development Bank, contributing editor ti dati a RIMAT magazine;
Prescillano Bermudez - premiado a mannurat ken karetretirona a pangulo ti PIA, Region I;
Ben Tabbada - 2005 Palanca judge iti Iluko short story ken negosiante;
Flor Tabbada - sarsuelista ken negosiante;
Greg Laconsay - Gumil Filipinas adviser, dati nga editor-in-chief ti BANNAWAG ken dati nga Editorial Director ti Liwayway Publishing;
Leonardo Belen - dati a presidente ti Gumil Filipinas ken agdama a movie director;
Crispina Martinez Belen - entertainment editor ti Manila Bulletin;
Joe Bragado - dati a presidente ti Gumil Filipinas, dati nga editor-in-chief ti BANNAWAG, agdama a presidente ti Child Jesus College;
Aida Tiama - maysa nga administrative office iti Unibersidad ti Filipinas ken dati a kameng ti Board of Directors ti Gumil Filipinas;
Johnny Asuncion - kameng ti editorial ti BANNAWAG ken FAMAS director;
Daniel Nesperos – 2004 ken 2005 Palanca winner ken dati nga empleado ti Liwayway;
Virginia Duldulao – nobelista ken mangisursuro iti Fatima University;
Nino Duque – nangibagi ken ni Rey Duque a dati nga editor ti Liwayway ken recipient iti nakaad-adu a pammadayaw iti panagsurat;
Lorenzo “Dondon” Tabin II – mannurat ken konektado iti Universidad ti Filipinas;
Angelo “Eloy” Padua – kolumnista ti FAMAS Magazine ken makipagtagikua iti sumagmamano a high-end restaurants iti Metro Manila ken Davao;
Linda Lingbaoan-Bulong – dati a kameng ti editorial ti BANNAWAG, dati nga editor-in-chief ti ALIWANG PINOY, agdama a kolumnista ti BANNAWAG, ken konektado iti UP Press;
Angel Calso – publisher ti RIMAT Magazine ken Aliwang Pinoy, veteran newspaperman ken konektado iti FAMAS.
Saan a nakaumay ni Arturo “Malutluto, Maib-ibus” Padua ngem nagtelepono bayat ti teleconference iti dayta a pasken ket impaganetgetna a suportaranna ti pannakabuangay ti TMI. Ni Art ti first president ti Gumil Filipinas, nalatak a politiko ken agdama a pangulo ti FAMAS. Dinakamatna pay iti kolumna maipapan iti daytoy a pasken.
Makapailiw ti kinaragsak dagiti timmabuno a kas nakitak iti video ti nasao a pasken. Inadalda dagiti panggep ti TMI. Napaneknekanda a saan a agkinnontra ti TMI ken Gumil. Iti dayta a teleconference, naaddanak iti gundaway a nakisarita ken nangsungbat kadagiti saludsod dagiti timmabuno. Inlawlawagko pay a ti TMI ket anak, wenno sagibsib wenno saringit wenno daludal ti Gumil Filipinas ket iti kaanuman, awan ti panggep ti TMI a mangrimbaw iti Gumil. Naki-teleconference met da Ariel Agcaoili ken Lorenzo Tabin.
Sangsangkamaysa dagiti timmabuno a nagkuna a nasayaat nga agtinnulong ti TMI ken Gumil a mangdamili ken mangibunannag iti literatura ken kulturatayo kadagiti dadduma a puli iti amin a suli ti lubong.
Saan koma a nasken a dakamek ditoy, ngem gapu kadagiti komentario iti ngato, ilawlawagko nga awan, uray sangkatipping laeng a kiniddawko a tulong iti gastos iti dayta a pasken.

II
Maipapan iti kablaaw ti TMI iti annibersario ti BANNAWAG.
Adda naawatko nga email ni Cles Rambaud sumagmamano nga aldaw sakbay ti pannakaimaldit ti anniversary issue ti BANNAWAG ket kiniddawna ti kablaaw ti TMI. Naipakaammo daytoy a kiddaw ni Cles kadagiti opisial ti TMI babaen iti telepono ken email. Ti imasna, isideg unayen ti deadline idi nagkiddaw ni Cles. Naimbag la ketdin ta naalibtak ni Andy Barroga a nang-design iti kablaaw. Nayemail ken ni Cles kasta met kadagiti interim officers ti TMI ti maiprenta a kablaaw. Domingo ditoy – Lunes idiay Filipinas. Nakasapsapa ni Cles a napan iti opisina ti BANNAWAG ket apaman a nakapagsaritakami, timmarayen a dagus a napan nangikamat iti kablaaw ta madama idin a mamalmaldit dayta nga isiu ti BANNAWAG.
Kunami no maysa a naragsak a gundaway daytoy a panangkablaaw ti TMI iti BANNAWAG. Ngem adda nagsurat iti BANNAWAG nga awan ti pammalubosna iti pannakairamanna a kameng ti board. Dakkel ti siddaawko ta daytoy pay met ngarud a mannurat ti nagkuna a nasayaat daytoy a panggep, tunggal agsaritakami iti telepono. Dakkel ti siddawko no apay a sa laeng nagsurat kalpasan a naimaldit ti kablaaw. Dakkel a siddaawko no apay a no adda panagtukiadna, wenno nagbabawi, nag-email wenno tinawagannak koma. Namin-adu a pinadasko a tineleponoan. Iti maysa a gundaway nga isu ti nakaawat iti tawagko, imbabana a dagus ti telepono idi naammuanna a siak, ket uray namin-adu a nagteleponoak a dagus, saanen a simmungbat. Gapu ta nasinged ti panagkakaduada kada Ariel Agcaoili, kiniddawko a tawaganna tapno risutenmi ti saan a panagkikinnawatan, ngem awan ti naaramidan ni Ariel. Inkeddengko idi a saanko a sungbatan ti surat iti BANNAWAG. Iti nanumo a panirigak daytoy a banag ket kasla saan a panagkikinnaawatan iti maysa a pamilia ket rebbengna a saan koma a mairakrakurak.

(Ilawlawagko man ditoy no kasano ti pannakapili dagiti board of directors ti TMI. Kadagiti kameng, uppat laeng dagiti sigud nga am-ammok - da Lorenzo ken Sinamar Tabin, Cristino Inay ken Arnold Baxa. Nabasbasak met idin dagiti sinurat ni Amado Yoro ngem saanko pay idi a nakasarita iti personal. Dagitoy a natatakneng a mannurat ti immuna a nakasarsaritak maipanggep iti Gumil America ken Gumil Global, kalpasanna, ti TMI America ken TMI Global. Isuda met ti nangisingasing kadagiti dadduma pay nga INTERIM OFFICERS ti timpuyog.)
Maipanggep iti $28.00 a tulong koma dagiti interim officers iti anniversary greeting. Rimsua a dakkel a pangat-atakaran iti numok ditoy dap-ayan. Saan met ket nga inkapilitan daytoy a tulong. Kas nadakamat iti ngato, naminpinsan met a nai-email dayta a kiddaw. Adda pay ketdin dagiti nagsurat iti ngato nga agbibisinak kano iti dayaw, ken panggepko kano a panguartaan ti TMI. Dagitoy man dagiti dua a nangipatulod iti tulongda: da Appo Richie Abadilla ken ni Guillermo Iloreta. Naisublin kadakuada dagiti tulongda.

Siak ti nagbayad appo ken kakabsat iti one-page, full-color a kablaaw ti TMI. Kinunak idi nga no adda man maawat a tulong manipud kadagiti interim officers, saan a maisubli kaniak no di ket iraman ti chief finance officer iti pundo para kadagiti proyekto ti TMI. Awan a pulos ti gandatko a pagdilihensiaak ti timpuyog. Nakakaldaangman nga adda dagiti kakasta a pammabasol. Kinapdunona, aramidek ti amin a kabaelak a tumulong iti TMI ken Gumil. Saanko koma met a dakamaten, ngem bareng daytoy pay ti makatulong a manglawlawag iti panunot dagiti kakabsat, a malaksid iti pasalipko iti BANNAWAG, siraragsakak a dumngeg no adda kiddaw dagiti kakabsat iti Gumil. Idi naangay ti umuna a Saribitniw Conference, natulokak a nag-wen idi kiniddaw ti Secretary General ti Gumil Filipinas a siak ti mang-sponsor iti on-the-spot-writing contest, wen kunak met a dagus idi kiniddaw ti presidente ti Gumil Ilocos Norte a siak ti mangted kadagiti premio dagiti nangabak iti on-the-spot writing contest iti napalabas a taripnongda, ala wen, kinunak met idi kinasaritanak manen ti Secretarty General ti Gumil a siak ti mangted ti premio iti writing contest iti napalabas conference ti Gumil Filipinas. Adda pay dagiti dadduma a kiddaw dagiti liderato ti Gumil a saan a nasken a dakamatek ditoy.

Namin-adu pay a nadakamat nga agbibisinak iti dayaw. Adu metten ti naawatko a pammadayaw, pagraemak a kakabsat, ngem iti opisinak, awan ti makita nga uray maysa la koma resolusion wenno plake wenno sertipiko. Awan ti makita nga uray maysa la koma a retrato a naikaraman toy numo kadagiti natatan-ok a tattao iti America ken kadagiti sabali nasion. Awan, ta awan a pulos iti panunotko a tumulong iti pannakaibanag dagiti adu a nabalitokan a panggep ti TMI tapno maaddanak iti gundaway a makakuarta ken maikkan iti pammadayaw.
Ne, ket atiddog unayen daytoy a palawagko. Sapay koma ta maamirisyo dagiti panggep ti TMI maipapan iti liteatura ken kulturatayo. Isardengtayo kadin, a, kakabsat ti agdidinniskutir ket no adda man dagiti saantayo a pangkikinnaawatan, liklikantayo koma ti agusar kadagiti makapasakit a balikas. Ti man il-iliwak ket no addanto dagiti gundaway a panagkikitatayo kadagiti nadumaduma a taripnong, nagsam-iten no aggiinnabrasa ken aggiinnarakuptayo, ta kasta ngarud ti naimbag nga ugali dagiti agkakabsat ken aggagayyem.


Enero 2/06

Panganay ng mga Araw

1.
Sa mga anak ang tulang ito
at sa kabiyak din.
Hinihingi na ng pagkakataon
ang pag-uusap
ng makata sa makata:
ang panganay
sa kanyang pagiging banyaga
sa parehong wika ng magulang,
ang pangalawa
sa kanyang
walang katapusang
panghuhuli ng mga katagang angkop
sa pagliban ng ama sa mga paskong nagdaan.

2.
Unang araw ngayon ng taon
at sa puyat na mga oras
ng madaling araw, narito ako sa dilim,
inaapuhap ang damdamin sa harap
ng mga araw na darating:
mga kapangakan ng tatlong supling, halimbawa
o pagtanggap ng pakete sa Los Angeles,
damit na patotoo ng dinisenyo ng hirayang
mapanlikha kahit ang ama ay sa malayo napapagawi
sa mga sulok ng mga gabi at pangamba
na ang tanging kailangan
ay ang paghahain ng kape

o pagpayag ng isang hitit ng Marbolorong pula
sa panganay. Hinahabol ko ang talinghaga,
ang palusot, at ang aking sagot ay malutong
na murang pagmamahal din:
Aa, tangamang sigarilyong siyang dahilan
ng pagkakanser sa utak
o sa isip.

Kasama ang aking ngiti
ang pakikipagkuntsabahan
at ang madulaing pagbigkas
ng mga salita na hindi naman
pinaniniwalaan ang ibig sabihin.

Ang mga makata ay mga salarin,
nagkakaintindihan sa takip-silim
ng mga alalahanin sa pagtula
at sa pagsasaberbo ng gunita
sa mga parating na damdaming
uukilkil sa kaluluwa ng tula
o sa katapusan g mga kuwentong
nakasilid sa mga nakakandadong baul
upang sa harap ng blangkong pahina
ay makakatha ng mga alaala
o ng mga bahaghari ng mga pangakong
kasingkulay ng pagmamahal
ang taglay na pintig ay siya ring tibok
ng pusong nagyayabang
sa umaga ng mga darang
sa gabi ng pag-aalo
sa nagdedeliryong kawalan.

3.
Rakisahin ang aking mga tula
sabi ko, at sa dulo ng mga ito
ay hahanapin ang susi
ng iyong pasasalamat sa akin,
ang kabayaran sa milyong utang
na araw, pag-aaruga sa mga metaporang
aking inagaw sa pagpapalaya sa iyo
sa pagpayag na makisigaw ng "Ibagsak! Ibagsak!"
o ng "Patalsikin si Gloria! Patalsikin si Gloria!"
o sa mga linggong nangawala ka
sa eksena ng pangamba ng ina
nang solong magpasyang sa Aurora makiisa
at doon, sa mga nasalantang panaginip
ng mga pook, mga inanod na mga pangarap,
doon ka lilikha ng tula sa pagbangon
pagkatapos ng pananalanta
ng bagyo sa inaangkin nating panahon.

4.
Sa pangalawa ay ang tula sa disenyo
ng kanyang mga ngalit, naghuhumiyaw
na parang bumubulanghit na pusa o tigre
o mga tsonggong ayaw na makita.
Retrato, sabi niya, mga larawan
ang mga iyon ng aking nais
na makawala sa mga salita
sa mga rehas ng mga tunog
upang sa piping hiraya ng araw
sa piping hiraya ng ngiting walang katulad
doon, doon ako lilikha ng mga halakhak.
Ibig kung maging potograpo
ng mga taludtod, ang kanyang pangwakas.

5.
Sa bunso ay ang mumunting panaginip,
katumbas ng mga taon na
ang tinig lang sa telepono
ang siya ring aking pag-uwi, sambit niya
ang libong sanang dagok sa dibdib,
sandaang saksak ng salitang balisong din:
Sana nandito si papa para makita niya
ang mga paputok, ang magandang pagsasabituin
ng mga ilaw, at ang pagbusilak ng mga pulbura
upang hamunin ang walang talang langit
at mula sa pusod ng mga sinindihang paputok
ay ang mukha ng nakangiting buwan
na mukha rin ng unang umagang parating.
Singhal ang aking isasagot,
at nitong tula sa aking isip.

6.
Sabi ko sa kabiyak:
mangyayari ang panganganak
ng mga panganay na araw.
Ang tagapagsilang ng mga panaginip
ay siya ring tagapagsilang ng ginto sa palad.
May pangako ang bagong taon,
ang pangako ng lahat ng natutubos na layon.

7.
Tatapusin ko ang tula, papamagatan.
Sa tuktok ng bundok
ay ang nagliliwanag na katanghaliang-tapat.


A Solver Agcaoili
Waikiki, HI
Enero 1/06